July 28, 2011

Funny One-Liner

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.


Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..


Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?


A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.


A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."





















































































1 comments:

jack said...

nice one liner jokes.

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